How has life been treating the Skeptigirl? You may ask. Well, life is treating me well. I am still sick but I am happy. I have realized that there is so much more and better things to life. My world has expanded. Sometimes I am lonely, sometimes I am angry but regardless of being depressed I am very happy. I am sure that last part makes very little sense.
I no longer believe in romantic love, it is a load of poo. I seriously do not think I will ever get married again because I really do not see the point. I have loads of great friends and family and my self-esteem is really high, like arrogantly high. Come on, I am awesome, smart, likeable, talented and seriously good looking. I mean my looks are astronomical.
Anyways, life is good, no need to worry about me. Maybe I will post real blog post sometime soon, or a video, or something.
Showing posts with label self-confidence. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self-confidence. Show all posts
Thursday, December 26, 2013
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Älä alistu!/Don't submit!
So, I found this video because it has caused quite a bit of controversy in Finland and caused 500 resignations from the Lutheran Church the day it was released. It was not put together by the Evangelical Lutheran Church but it was done with their money.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JfPjTvTx5-U
Campaign official pages: http://www.nuotta.com/kampanja
If you do not speak Finnish here is the over long and tedious video in a nutshell. "Anni's Story" is the title it is from the "Don't Submit" video campaign. Anni was a bisexual girl. She realized in high school and became quite involved with gay rights and dated a girl in the ninth grade and then they broke up. During this time she was having some problems and met a girl who wanted to just help her with them. One day this girl asked to pray with her and Anni saw the holy spirit. She went to a religious youth camp and became saved. She prayed hard to leave her unholy desires behind and God heard her and she stopped dating girls nor did she really want to. She has been engaged to a man for a year now, she is twenty. She said that being with a woman never really made her feel like a woman, because one had to take the man's role etc.
What really stood out to me is that it is so simple to be rid of lustful impulses. Just admit what you are and give it to God, he will heal you. I would like to say, I do believe that God can heal everything from gout to cancer and it is very much in his power to change a person's sexual orientation or to curb lustful impulses. That being said, lets talk about the practical implications for a young person who hears this. I bet any God believing young person who has this or similar problems has prayed for them. Asking God to change a perceived flaw in you is nothing new. I cannot count the hours I prayed as a teenager begging God to change me, to cure me from this or that affliction. Lustful thoughts were very much featured in those prayers, as was my laziness and other assorted general "badness". God did not cure me, at least not then, of one single one of my flaws. I felt like crap. I felt like a failure. I felt like a bad Christian. I prayed everyday for God to take me to heaven so I could stop constantly failing and sinning. I was tired, I was desperate. What would have Anni's message of easy, reachable fixing have meant to me? It would have meant an ever compounding sense of guilt. It would have isolated my lust for women as an even more heinous crime than my lust for men. Here I had been beating myself up for both indiscriminately.
I call this a suicide inducing flick. Say, it is wrong! It is Sinful! Älä alistu! Don't submit! It can all be made better. God is waiting for you to give your burden to Him and heal you! All that can hold you back now, sinner, is your own lack of faith! Only one you have to blame is yourself. Maybe Anni has more willpower, maybe she has more faith, maybe her prayers are special. Maybe I am failing at this like I fail at everything else because I am too damn lazy to change. Way to rip old wounds open and make me feel like that girl again.
As an end note, God did heal me, but not in the way I expected. He healed me by giving me perspective, understanding and self acceptance, flaws and all. I was good enough for him to die on Calvary for my sins when I was at my worst. Not because I was special or good but because he was and he loved me. He cleansed me when I accepted his cleansing. It does not matter that I am lustful. It does not matter that I am lazy. I am exactly as he created me. This does not mean I need to whore around and not do any work because that is not how he intended me to behave. He intends me to strive for a healthy balanced life. My flaws are really the other side of my virtues. I am lazy because I am laid back. I am content to contemplate and not worry too much about having a spotless house there are more important things in life. I am lusty, but I love my husband and it can be a very positive quality in a marriage when channeled properly and understood for what it is. Now that God has healed me from my low self esteem and depression I can no longer really care about my flaws and can really give them to God, and you know what, stopping the demonization of that part of me has allowed me to not be trapped by lustful thought. When they are no longer forbidden or wrong they take a backseat to more important and interesting thoughts. I am no longer paralyzed by fear and anxiety due to my laziness and am actually able to break the inertia and do what really matters and needs to get done.
Self-acceptance is a wonderful thing. Do not submit to thoughts of self loathing and accept that if you do seek help from God for your problems, which I do recommend, he may not give you the quick fix you want but will allow you to walk down a longer, harder path that will make you a better person and accept yourself, and in the long run that beats a quick fix.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JfPjTvTx5-U
Campaign official pages: http://www.nuotta.com/kampanja
If you do not speak Finnish here is the over long and tedious video in a nutshell. "Anni's Story" is the title it is from the "Don't Submit" video campaign. Anni was a bisexual girl. She realized in high school and became quite involved with gay rights and dated a girl in the ninth grade and then they broke up. During this time she was having some problems and met a girl who wanted to just help her with them. One day this girl asked to pray with her and Anni saw the holy spirit. She went to a religious youth camp and became saved. She prayed hard to leave her unholy desires behind and God heard her and she stopped dating girls nor did she really want to. She has been engaged to a man for a year now, she is twenty. She said that being with a woman never really made her feel like a woman, because one had to take the man's role etc.
What really stood out to me is that it is so simple to be rid of lustful impulses. Just admit what you are and give it to God, he will heal you. I would like to say, I do believe that God can heal everything from gout to cancer and it is very much in his power to change a person's sexual orientation or to curb lustful impulses. That being said, lets talk about the practical implications for a young person who hears this. I bet any God believing young person who has this or similar problems has prayed for them. Asking God to change a perceived flaw in you is nothing new. I cannot count the hours I prayed as a teenager begging God to change me, to cure me from this or that affliction. Lustful thoughts were very much featured in those prayers, as was my laziness and other assorted general "badness". God did not cure me, at least not then, of one single one of my flaws. I felt like crap. I felt like a failure. I felt like a bad Christian. I prayed everyday for God to take me to heaven so I could stop constantly failing and sinning. I was tired, I was desperate. What would have Anni's message of easy, reachable fixing have meant to me? It would have meant an ever compounding sense of guilt. It would have isolated my lust for women as an even more heinous crime than my lust for men. Here I had been beating myself up for both indiscriminately.
I call this a suicide inducing flick. Say, it is wrong! It is Sinful! Älä alistu! Don't submit! It can all be made better. God is waiting for you to give your burden to Him and heal you! All that can hold you back now, sinner, is your own lack of faith! Only one you have to blame is yourself. Maybe Anni has more willpower, maybe she has more faith, maybe her prayers are special. Maybe I am failing at this like I fail at everything else because I am too damn lazy to change. Way to rip old wounds open and make me feel like that girl again.
As an end note, God did heal me, but not in the way I expected. He healed me by giving me perspective, understanding and self acceptance, flaws and all. I was good enough for him to die on Calvary for my sins when I was at my worst. Not because I was special or good but because he was and he loved me. He cleansed me when I accepted his cleansing. It does not matter that I am lustful. It does not matter that I am lazy. I am exactly as he created me. This does not mean I need to whore around and not do any work because that is not how he intended me to behave. He intends me to strive for a healthy balanced life. My flaws are really the other side of my virtues. I am lazy because I am laid back. I am content to contemplate and not worry too much about having a spotless house there are more important things in life. I am lusty, but I love my husband and it can be a very positive quality in a marriage when channeled properly and understood for what it is. Now that God has healed me from my low self esteem and depression I can no longer really care about my flaws and can really give them to God, and you know what, stopping the demonization of that part of me has allowed me to not be trapped by lustful thought. When they are no longer forbidden or wrong they take a backseat to more important and interesting thoughts. I am no longer paralyzed by fear and anxiety due to my laziness and am actually able to break the inertia and do what really matters and needs to get done.
Self-acceptance is a wonderful thing. Do not submit to thoughts of self loathing and accept that if you do seek help from God for your problems, which I do recommend, he may not give you the quick fix you want but will allow you to walk down a longer, harder path that will make you a better person and accept yourself, and in the long run that beats a quick fix.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
School
I like to think I am a pretty good writer, sure I do not have a huge following here or anything. Still being able to express myself well in writing has always been one of my virtues. So it feels fairly humiliating to have to take a class recapping elementary and middle school Finnish grammar in order to take high school Finnish classes. Well, I really need to as evidenced by the grammar, spelling and etc. Test taken on the first day. Under 50% success is nothing to brag about.
We have our first writing assignment. I am looking forward to it but I feel nervous. I have not taken an academic class in six years. I am afraid that I will let myself down again like I did back then. Back then I failed out of college. I locked up and was unable to do the work. I was unable to study and to complete the course work. Now I know I can do better and I am just taking one class, one class I really need and am finding reading the course text rather challenging. I am scared of the writing assignment. I have to write it by hand, all high school work has to be in Finnish classes. I have a strict limit for my final draft. If it runs long, how am I going to shorten it with out rewriting it? What about writing mistakes? Can I just write it in pencil? An erase able pen? Or do I just write it in pen and draw lines over my mistakes. I have to ask the teacher. I am also worried that I will get too nervous about it and not finish it like so many other assignments in college. That would be humiliating. I really have to do well in the class to gain back my academic confidence.
When ever I have the time to work on my assignment I seem to be too tired to think so I can't work on it very much. Like now, I was going to work on it but I feel really tired. It is about nine in the evening here. I will have to try earlier tomorrow.
We have our first writing assignment. I am looking forward to it but I feel nervous. I have not taken an academic class in six years. I am afraid that I will let myself down again like I did back then. Back then I failed out of college. I locked up and was unable to do the work. I was unable to study and to complete the course work. Now I know I can do better and I am just taking one class, one class I really need and am finding reading the course text rather challenging. I am scared of the writing assignment. I have to write it by hand, all high school work has to be in Finnish classes. I have a strict limit for my final draft. If it runs long, how am I going to shorten it with out rewriting it? What about writing mistakes? Can I just write it in pencil? An erase able pen? Or do I just write it in pen and draw lines over my mistakes. I have to ask the teacher. I am also worried that I will get too nervous about it and not finish it like so many other assignments in college. That would be humiliating. I really have to do well in the class to gain back my academic confidence.
When ever I have the time to work on my assignment I seem to be too tired to think so I can't work on it very much. Like now, I was going to work on it but I feel really tired. It is about nine in the evening here. I will have to try earlier tomorrow.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
My Other Blog
(Note: Feb. 4 2012 This blog no longer exists. Fitness magazine no longer hosts reader blogs.)
I started a blog on fitnessmagazine.com. I figured that I would post the first entry here. It is going too be about getting into shape. Sorry, St. Cynic,I do not mean to rip you off by starting to write about health and stuff too. I am sure your posts will be much more informational.
Here it is:
Sneaking Into My blog
I felt pretty lame when I chose “Ninja Fitness” for my blog title. Still I think it works. It is eye catching and describes my love of martial arts and my habitual sneaking around at the gym. I try to slip by unnoticed as I go to work out. I have been working out on my own for years, running under the cover of the night or lifting weights in my living room. Other than mixed martial arts class I have not worked out where other people can see me for years.
I used to be a really shy teenager. I was scared of other kids I felt awkward and fat and stood back listening to other people talk and emerged my self in this fantasy world where I was fit, strong and gorgeous. Not only that, I was powerful and confident. I was a hero. Rescuing babies from burning building and fighting of an entire street gang on my own. You know the usual fantasies of a teen loner. I read about health and fitness I wanted to take martial arts classes and be more like the girl in my head. When I was a senior in high school I got the chance to sign up for Taekwondo at my school. I worked harder at it than anything I had ever done before. I thought I was terrible but it meant so much to me to succeed and I did. My teacher told me I was a great student and at the end of the second trimester commended me for helping and encouraging the new students that had joined us after the first one. All this gave me fantastic self confidence and made me feel a little closer to the girl I wanted to be. After three years I was a brown belt but unfortunately had to stop taking classes because I could no longer afford them. It was sad but fortunately I had discovered along the way that I was athletic and that I liked running and all sorts of different athletic activities.
Now I am a married woman with a kid and I have gotten out of shape in between then and now. I am at my heaviest than I have been since my pregnancy and the year or so after. I am out of shape and feeling further from that woman in my head. I would like to be like her again. I did some mixed martial arts along the way and hope to get back to it sometime but for now all I have in the near future is a gym membership, which is something I am not used to.
I will be working out at the gym wearing all black and sneaking in during the quiet times. No really, coincidentally all my workout gear is black. I will try to motivate myself to post about it occasionally.
*****
Well, I doubt I will post the future entries on this blog here, but if you feel so inclined nothing will stop you from reading Ninja Fitness. Can nnot guarantee that the link will take you there since I do not know if you have to be a registered user to read them or anything.
I started a blog on fitnessmagazine.com. I figured that I would post the first entry here. It is going too be about getting into shape. Sorry, St. Cynic,I do not mean to rip you off by starting to write about health and stuff too. I am sure your posts will be much more informational.
Here it is:
Sneaking Into My blog
I felt pretty lame when I chose “Ninja Fitness” for my blog title. Still I think it works. It is eye catching and describes my love of martial arts and my habitual sneaking around at the gym. I try to slip by unnoticed as I go to work out. I have been working out on my own for years, running under the cover of the night or lifting weights in my living room. Other than mixed martial arts class I have not worked out where other people can see me for years.
I used to be a really shy teenager. I was scared of other kids I felt awkward and fat and stood back listening to other people talk and emerged my self in this fantasy world where I was fit, strong and gorgeous. Not only that, I was powerful and confident. I was a hero. Rescuing babies from burning building and fighting of an entire street gang on my own. You know the usual fantasies of a teen loner. I read about health and fitness I wanted to take martial arts classes and be more like the girl in my head. When I was a senior in high school I got the chance to sign up for Taekwondo at my school. I worked harder at it than anything I had ever done before. I thought I was terrible but it meant so much to me to succeed and I did. My teacher told me I was a great student and at the end of the second trimester commended me for helping and encouraging the new students that had joined us after the first one. All this gave me fantastic self confidence and made me feel a little closer to the girl I wanted to be. After three years I was a brown belt but unfortunately had to stop taking classes because I could no longer afford them. It was sad but fortunately I had discovered along the way that I was athletic and that I liked running and all sorts of different athletic activities.
Now I am a married woman with a kid and I have gotten out of shape in between then and now. I am at my heaviest than I have been since my pregnancy and the year or so after. I am out of shape and feeling further from that woman in my head. I would like to be like her again. I did some mixed martial arts along the way and hope to get back to it sometime but for now all I have in the near future is a gym membership, which is something I am not used to.
I will be working out at the gym wearing all black and sneaking in during the quiet times. No really, coincidentally all my workout gear is black. I will try to motivate myself to post about it occasionally.
*****
Well, I doubt I will post the future entries on this blog here, but if you feel so inclined nothing will stop you from reading Ninja Fitness. Can nnot guarantee that the link will take you there since I do not know if you have to be a registered user to read them or anything.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Where do You Get Your Power?
Today I was considering how I, and others, define ourselves. I have written before that I see myself as human first and female or woman several notches down in importance. Because society places so much importance on gender I am in a way forced to define myself as androgynous, while not inaccurate, I really just place very little importance on that part of me.
I was also considering why I place so little importance on it versus others. I think we define ourselves based on things that give us power and things that we fear. In other words the things that give us confidence and self esteem and those things that take it away. Many people derive a lot, or at least a significant amount of their self-esteem from their gender. Women feel confident when they look and feel feminine and can attract the opposite gender and impress other women. Men feel confident when they look and feel masculine, attract women and intimidate other men. I do not mean that I never dress in a manner to look feminine on purpose and to be attractive to the opposite sex. I just do it very rarely and not "for myself" (as their source of personal power) as many other women say. I dress feminine and attractive for my husband's benefit or because I am going to a place or function that expects it. I dress that way for others I just do not care. When we define ourselves, we give away in the things we do not care and try to stand firm in the things we do care about. I simply do not care about hair and clothes and go shopping maybe once or twice a year. I hate paying for hair cuts and usually shave it off. I am currently letting it grow because my mom pitched a fit about it.
Well, what is a big deal to me and what do I derive my strength from and my self-esteem. What do I do "for myself". I like to think I get it from my principles, my ability to stand up for myself and from portrayals of mental and physical strength. If I fail to stand up for my rights or the rights of others, even in the face of danger or humiliation my confidence gets shattered. I feel good about myself when I do the right thing. I feel confident and a few inches taller when I best some one in a display of physical prowess. I feel good when I work out really hard, and bad when I get tired soon and just can't perform my best. I do gain confidence from dressing in clothes that show off my physical hard work, but dressing too femininely makes me lose confidence and power because I get cat calls and no one acknowledges the things I like about myself. I hate the feeling that my looks maybe my best asset and the only way I can get compliments so sometimes compliments can make me feel worse about myself when all I get are comments on aspect of me I care little about. What about my toned arms? Do you know how much hard work it takes for a pear shaped woman to build any muscle there. Yeah, call me hot stuff one more time, objectify me and sexually proposition me and I will show you how hard I have worked on my right cross.
Where do you get your power? Is it from your gender? Your role as a parent? A spouse or being the best paralegal/secretary/firefighter/human cannon ball? When you fail in those areas do you feel like a weak shell of yourself for a while until you can prove yourself again?
I was also considering why I place so little importance on it versus others. I think we define ourselves based on things that give us power and things that we fear. In other words the things that give us confidence and self esteem and those things that take it away. Many people derive a lot, or at least a significant amount of their self-esteem from their gender. Women feel confident when they look and feel feminine and can attract the opposite gender and impress other women. Men feel confident when they look and feel masculine, attract women and intimidate other men. I do not mean that I never dress in a manner to look feminine on purpose and to be attractive to the opposite sex. I just do it very rarely and not "for myself" (as their source of personal power) as many other women say. I dress feminine and attractive for my husband's benefit or because I am going to a place or function that expects it. I dress that way for others I just do not care. When we define ourselves, we give away in the things we do not care and try to stand firm in the things we do care about. I simply do not care about hair and clothes and go shopping maybe once or twice a year. I hate paying for hair cuts and usually shave it off. I am currently letting it grow because my mom pitched a fit about it.
Well, what is a big deal to me and what do I derive my strength from and my self-esteem. What do I do "for myself". I like to think I get it from my principles, my ability to stand up for myself and from portrayals of mental and physical strength. If I fail to stand up for my rights or the rights of others, even in the face of danger or humiliation my confidence gets shattered. I feel good about myself when I do the right thing. I feel confident and a few inches taller when I best some one in a display of physical prowess. I feel good when I work out really hard, and bad when I get tired soon and just can't perform my best. I do gain confidence from dressing in clothes that show off my physical hard work, but dressing too femininely makes me lose confidence and power because I get cat calls and no one acknowledges the things I like about myself. I hate the feeling that my looks maybe my best asset and the only way I can get compliments so sometimes compliments can make me feel worse about myself when all I get are comments on aspect of me I care little about. What about my toned arms? Do you know how much hard work it takes for a pear shaped woman to build any muscle there. Yeah, call me hot stuff one more time, objectify me and sexually proposition me and I will show you how hard I have worked on my right cross.
Where do you get your power? Is it from your gender? Your role as a parent? A spouse or being the best paralegal/secretary/firefighter/human cannon ball? When you fail in those areas do you feel like a weak shell of yourself for a while until you can prove yourself again?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)