Thursday, August 20, 2015

Depressed and Ashamed Again

I am depressed again. Things were going so well until this spring my therapist said something that made me feel ashamed and not trust anyone. I stopped seeing her. I started to feel okay after a while but I still feel I  cannot talk about a lot of my feelings openly with people.

Less than a week ago something else happened and now I am just wanting to crawl away and hide because I have been directly and openly been told that what I say on facebook is inappropriate. All my friends on facebook are over 18, so it should not be a problem, but it is. I am a visible representative of Christianity as a whole and what I say is not appropriate, but here is the thing, I do not really think there is anything wrong with what I say. I am openly and honestly expressing who I am and what I think, but who I am is not appropriate. I have been chastised for it directly by church leadership.

I do not feel I can both serve God and express who I am. In order to be a good Christian I now have to either change who I am what I think and feel, or keep it a secret. The first is not going to happen because I have tried that and no matter how hard I have prayed God has not changed who I am. The second possibility is not something I want to do. The thought of censoring myself and acting as if there is something shameful about me and my opinions and thoughts is revolting to me and makes me feel trapped and honestly so depressed I have trouble getting up out of bed in the morning. I am sleeping more. I am forgetful and distracted. In short I am depressed.

I guess my world is really small and pathetic when my number one form of self expression is facebook status messages. I spent so long to learn to love and accept myself that now when I am no longer standing in my way others are. My therapist, the lay leader of my church, other church members who have complained to her about it, basic Christian decency, what ever it is I am trapped between a rock and a hard place. I have to not live honestly as who I am but I have to learn to hide things and keep secrets and nothing is more depressing, discouraging and disheartening as that. It is so against who I am but if I am to become depressed again and hide away who I am I guess so be it. I am not so great anyway.

No comments:

Post a Comment