Thursday, August 20, 2015

Depressed and Ashamed Again

I am depressed again. Things were going so well until this spring my therapist said something that made me feel ashamed and not trust anyone. I stopped seeing her. I started to feel okay after a while but I still feel I  cannot talk about a lot of my feelings openly with people.

Less than a week ago something else happened and now I am just wanting to crawl away and hide because I have been directly and openly been told that what I say on facebook is inappropriate. All my friends on facebook are over 18, so it should not be a problem, but it is. I am a visible representative of Christianity as a whole and what I say is not appropriate, but here is the thing, I do not really think there is anything wrong with what I say. I am openly and honestly expressing who I am and what I think, but who I am is not appropriate. I have been chastised for it directly by church leadership.

I do not feel I can both serve God and express who I am. In order to be a good Christian I now have to either change who I am what I think and feel, or keep it a secret. The first is not going to happen because I have tried that and no matter how hard I have prayed God has not changed who I am. The second possibility is not something I want to do. The thought of censoring myself and acting as if there is something shameful about me and my opinions and thoughts is revolting to me and makes me feel trapped and honestly so depressed I have trouble getting up out of bed in the morning. I am sleeping more. I am forgetful and distracted. In short I am depressed.

I guess my world is really small and pathetic when my number one form of self expression is facebook status messages. I spent so long to learn to love and accept myself that now when I am no longer standing in my way others are. My therapist, the lay leader of my church, other church members who have complained to her about it, basic Christian decency, what ever it is I am trapped between a rock and a hard place. I have to not live honestly as who I am but I have to learn to hide things and keep secrets and nothing is more depressing, discouraging and disheartening as that. It is so against who I am but if I am to become depressed again and hide away who I am I guess so be it. I am not so great anyway.

Monday, August 10, 2015


Flicking the bean, parting the lotus petals, you know, masturbation. I honestly know very few terms for female masturbation. Still I am going to talk about it.

I just saw this video:

It is about male masturbation. I am going to talk about female masturbation. The Bible does not talk about it, so let's by pass the verses, because there are none.

In the video the man says masturbation=lust. I do not know the minds of men, or all women. I do know my own mind. I rarely think about anything but getting off when I rub it. I just want to feel good and no fantasies of men, women or other things are necessary. So lust: not a problem.

He also states it is a selfish act. I do not get that at all. I mean, I have never had sex unselfishly. Maybe that is just a part of being a woman. All I *really* care about is feeling good. I mean it is nice if the guy has a good time too but men always have a good time, they do not need special things like foreplay or romance. Furthermore that is like saying eating alone in selfish because a meal is meant to be shared. A meal is ALWAYS more special with someone special but I am not going forego satisfying my physical needs just because I am not married.

He also mentions that masturbation is not legitimate for relieving stress because you feel guilty after. I have never felt guilt for masturbation. I have always wondered if I should but it has never happened with my solo exploration. I have felt guilty for looking at porn, reading erotic stories and for sexual fantasies, sex with a partner who I was not married to, but never for masturbation.

I forget what other bullshit he spouts but he reminds me of a Muslim man. 90% of Muslim men I have spoken too say it is a sin to masturbate and fornication is more natural and therefore more okay.

Masturbation is a gift from God as I look at it. I have a VERY HIGH sex drive and of I could not masturbate and fulfill my needs that way I would have a lot more premarital sex and feel a lot guiltier. Also, I have prayed while masturbating before. I do not think it is weird, God sees me do it and I feel okay with that so sometimes while building up I have a little conversation with him. Call me weird, but I do not think masturbation is a sin.

You know what is a sin? Spilling your seed on the ground while you are fucking your brother's wife. No coitus interruptus for you adulterers.

Here is more about male vs. female masturbation:

Tuesday, May 26, 2015

Becoming Paula

Lately I have come to accept that I am not intended for marriage. This is not a sad reality. I think that marriage is sometimes over glorified. Marriage has benefits,yes, all sorts, physical, spiritual and emotional. As the Bible says something about a stone sharpening a stone so we can grow putting up with the annoyances of another person. When we look at this we seem to forget Paul recommending not marrying. He did great things for God. With no wife.

Why am I talking about this? Was I not exceedingly happy while I was marrieds? Yes, and no. It was the best I had ever known. The reality is that I have always felt that marriage was not for me. As a child I really wanted to be an old maid. Even as a a teen I did not think I would marry. This was in big contrast to the fact that I had a really strong sex drive. My sex drive was not the kind that was okay with just sleeping around. All my fantasies, then and now include committed loving relationships with love. My body and spirit had contrasting desires.

Did I marry my ex-husband for sex? Yes and no. I also married him because I loved him and had intensely committed to him and up on marriage I was willing and able to love him until one of us died and that was the case until the divorce.

There is another reason I married. I was profoundly mentally ill. What I needed was therapy and medication and a reliance up on God, not marriage, or relationship of any kind. When I am in a relationship my spiritual growth becomes profoundly retarded. I give too much of what is God's to my partner. I love intensely all consumingly and committedly. My love is the stuff of romances. It is also suffocating and unhealthy.

Sometimes what we most want is the least good for us. I never grew up nor figured what I wanted because I was so intensely committed to my husband. Now I am thriving and scared that I will jeopardize all the wonderful things I have accomplished by falling into another relationship. Also it is quite clear that I have terrible taste in men. My standards are fall too low. Clearly the common factor in my dismal romantic history is me and I have to accept the blame and that God's blessing has not been up on any of it.

In contrast I am blessed and productive and growing and happy with myself alone. Unless God finds me the perfect man, I am not interested and perfection does not appear in reality, so I think I am safe. Just call me Paula, the female apostle preaching the gospel of Jesus and remaining unmarried. : P

Saturday, February 7, 2015


The problem with me is that I have no concept of "business" as in whose business something is. My business, your business, nobody's business all become everybody's business. Am I gossip? Yes, but I do not believe my motives are malicious. Am I untrustworthy? In a way I am.

This does not primarily mean I will go tell your business to everybody. What I do mostly is I tell my business to everyone. I have no concept of why this would be a bad idea. I tell people all about my sex life, or lack of it. I have zero problem talking about sex. I think the problem is that people assume that if I talk about it I will have it, with them. This is not the case. I just am very comfortable with myself.

I accept my mistakes and I am comfortable with myself. I do things I am not proud of but I have no concept of why I should not share these things with practically everyone, anyone. Why not? I just have no filter.
I think people assume there is more I am not sharing. I have juicier secrets, like them. Secrets they keep secret. I have no secrets. Believe me. Ask me anything. I may not announce it online but I have no secrets. Maybe I am somehow disabled.

You may say that this is fine. It is my business who I tell my stuff to. I am an idiot but what ever floats my retarded boat. The real problem comes when your business and my business intersect and become the same thing. I have to exert quite a bit of will power not to blab my business, because it is your business. I try, but every once in a while it jumps out. It probably does not comfort you when I tell you how hard I try to keep it under wraps because people usually just see that one time when their dirty little secret was shared by me.