When someone asks me when I am Christian I usually tell them the story of when I got saved when I was eight and tell them that God spoke to my heart in love and asked to let him in and to become his beloved daughter. He asked nothing from me, only that I love him back. This loving back was not a condition for me to get his love, no. He loved me anyway.
He had created me and watched me grow and knew all my weaknesses and strenghts and saw me at my worst and at my best through out my life, before and after I met him. I have failed so many times in my life to love him back properly but his unconditional love has never wavered, lessened nor drawn back.
Tree months ago I tried to kill myself as a result of my husband leaving me for another woman and completely shaking and leveling my whole world. My family was all I had. I had nothing, I could not sleep or eat and I suffered from crippling axiety.
Suicide is a big no-no in Christianity, the unforgiveable sin, almost. In this case God not only forgave me but protected me and loved me even more noticeably than before because I needed it so much. He made sure I was picked up by the police who took me to the hospital where I recieved good care and recovered from the physical results of my suicide attempt. He also was with me in that dark place that I fell to.
After my husband pulled my entire world out from under me I was alone and could see no light but I was with Jesus in this lonely darkness. He held me as I wept in shock, sorrow and rage. He bore my childish fits of screaming "WHY!" He loved me not because I was so special but because he is love.
Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. 1 John 4:8
I think I have come out on the other side of this tragedy. I have accepted that my once happy life with my family is over. I am making a new life for myself wth its highest goal being to find God's plan for me. If I am in God's will, I know I will be happy because: "And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God" Roman's 8:28
I am still in the all things phase but I am starting to believe strongly that they will work out for good, soon.
I do not usually include verses in my posts but I have been gaining a great deal of comfort from these verses because I am missing a lot of tangible love that I once had in my life. It was ripped from me suddenly with no warning leaving me experiencing withdraval symptoms. So I hope you will indulge me posting one last verse that made me cry earlier because I was overwhelmed by its beauty.
38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:38-39
I wrote this essay/blog entry a day before yesturday. I did not post it because it did not feel like the right time yet. Now more has happened and it does seem like the right time to talk about my feelings I had then. I will write more soon, and tell more.
When I
wrote a research paper in the ninth grade I did it because I suspected I was
depressed and I knew next to nothing about the subject. The first sentence of
my paper was a quote: “Depression is like a murky pool.” I never understood the
quote at the time but I thought the imagery was neat. For years I thought it
meant that understanding depression was like groping around in a murky pool,
you never knew what was underneath there. Now I understand, years later, that
being depressed is like being in a murky pool. You are alone, you can’t see
much. You cannot see the light above the surface clearly, if at all, and you
can’t breathe. You are being weighed down with lead weights tied around your
ankles. I was in that pool for years.
The main
reason I got out was my husband’s help and support. He made me feel a love and
acceptance I had never experienced before and in that positive environment I
felt like I could be myself and slowly those lead weights came free. I did not
even notice the ropes slipping free and how I began to float towards the
surface and for the first time in a decade I was able to take a breath and see
clearly in the free light and air with my head above water.
The
terrible thing in this story of beauty and triumph is that in my wonderful recovery
I hurt my husband a great deal. All those days, months and years of living with
a depressed person, wondering if they have hurt themselves or will you find
something worse when you come home, is very draining. Your life starts to
revolve around that person’s disease. You lose yourself and you chop off little
pieces of yourself to take care of your sick loved one. That is what happened
to my husband.
He not only
became burdened down with the weight of my lead weights he forgot who he was
and forgot why he even did it. I was like a vampire or a parasite slowly
sucking away his happiness and sense of self to gain those things for myself
and I never noticed that. We were happy. We loved each other. Our marriage,
despite all the financial and social things, was the real consistently good
thing in our lives. Or so I thought. I projected my happiness onto him. I
thought: I have become a better person in the course of this marriage; he
influenced me for the better. I must have done the same for him. We grew together.
Well, that
is what I thought. It felt amazing to be liked, loved and accepted by someone
so completely, warts and all. I did have this nagging suspicion in the back of
my mind, somewhere in the worst fears section of my brain, that he did not like
me as much as I liked him. I figured it was just my old low self-esteem
talking. I mean he was so great, kind, patient and nice. He was so talented,
capable, funny and smart. I was a loser with no real talents or skills. My IQ
was painfully average, my humor was often bristly and mean and not nearly as
funny as I thought. On top of that my youthful good looks were not nearly as
youthful or good as they had once been. Come on, that is just my old
self-esteem and fear. I am great, people like me, I like me etc. I had all this
new found self-esteem and he told me he loved me like a million times a day, of
course he liked and loved me.
Wrong, so
wrong, I had created my happy marriage as a work of one sided fiction. I just
really wanted this wonderful person to love me. It turned out all those little
worrying red flags I had experienced really were signs that not all was right.
My husband’s occasional signs of depression and not being able to keep friends
very actively. He was feeling like an old loser after he had stopped doing
things and hanging out with people because he felt he needed to just take care
of me and cater to my needs. There was the way he never complemented my
personality, intelligence, sense of humor or anything internal like that and
how all the compliments on my looks just stopped coming, even when I
specifically asked for compliments. I figured he did not need to do that, he
loved me anyway and it was ridiculous to need compliments, I needed to have my
confidence standing independently.
Now here I
am, I have to peer to the surface of the murky pool and stare the plain truth
in the face. I am a loser. People like me only when they don’t know me. The one
person who truly knows me does not like me and this not liking has worn down
the love over the years making his responses of “I love you.” as hollow and
empty as a looted tomb. I just fell off a cliff, how are you doing?
I am back for the moment. I never said it was forever. I am probably not here to stay but might pop in at some point. I am sneaky and mysterious and all that. I just had something I wanted to write and here it is.
I have
always been such a huge fan of the civil rights movement. I have always been
more of a Rosa Parks type of a fighter for freedom, than a Freedom Rider. I
will stand up for what is right when I need to but I am not actively
courageous. I wait for my moment to stand up for what I believe in. I am still
waiting for my opportunity because then I could say, look at me, these are my
principles, and this is what I believe in.
In today’s
world racial equality is a given. That does not mean racism is not live and
well but it is not systematic, widespread and accepted. I keep thinking: What
is the today’s equivalent of the 1960’s segregation? My answer is there is not
an exact analog but in my life but prejudice against Muslims and homosexuals
comes close. I face both in my spiritual community. The prejudice against
Muslims is the reason I have effectively left my former church. As much as I
love the people I spend time with there, their attitudes against this
particular group of Semitic people are too much for me to take and so I left. I
mean I work there. I have committed to certain tasks which I can’t just leave
barring something absolutely egregious.
The subject
of gay rights is another thing all together. I believe it is a human rights
issue to allow them to marry, adopt and have the same legal rights as couples
of the opposite sex. Adam and Steve all the way, so to speak. This is actually
an issue I cannot even take up to defend in a community of faith, or among most
of my family. I am an ally of the LGBT community. I am a Christian. If I can
justify women having the same rights legally, socially, and within the church
it is not hard to justify acceptance of homosexuals. What is the justifying of
a few verses versus a whole boatload of crap declaring women are as unto animals?
I feel like
on this blog I have been too accommodating of differing opinion on this
particular topic. I mean, I still allow for differing opinion when it is done politely
100%, it is the ground on which this is built. What I mean my expression of the
issue. I think I have been molly coddling the bigots by expressing my opinions
in a watered down way.I must speak the
truth. I cannot in my heart believe that homosexuality is a sin. We cannot help
who we love and are attracted to. Not all of us are suited to the lifestyle of
celibate monks. We are not all Paul. “Now to the unmarried and the widows I
say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do.” 1 Corinthians 7:8. I am a
person made to be with someone. I am made to be in a couple with my husband.
It was our
anniversary, Friday May 3. We have been married for nine years. I am prone to loneliness
and could not imagine making it through life without someone at my side. I
cannot deny that for a person who is predisposed to form a pair bond with a
person of the same gender. If someone can live life single, great for them, do
that. It frees you up for other, more important things. So if you are gay and
can remain single, fine do it. If you are straight and can do that I absolutely
encourage it and use the time you have free and untethered for the benefit of
others. Go out, change the world, write a blog and let me live through you
vicariously.
I am still
waiting for a Rosa Parks moment. I am also dreading it because I really do not
feel comfortable coming out to friends and family as an ally. I have said that
I support gay marriage because I do not believe that the government should legislate
morality but no one knows that I believe it is possible to be gay, Christian
and a good person at the same time. I feel ashamed of this. I want to live in a
way that I can say this so that is why I am waiting for my Rosa Parks moment. I
am waiting for the moment I cannot stay silent. I am waiting for the moment
that something happens and my inner sense of justice forces me to declare the
truth. I want that because then I could say: “I am living according to my
principles, I am not a coward. Let the gays into the church and into fellowship
with us.”
So, I am sorry I dissappeared for so long. I am not here to promise more posts soon, in fact I am here to say my blog will unfortunately continue its hibernation. It is not dead but in a coma. I am sorry to my three readers. Luckily I set my stuff to outo filter spam comments and those that make no sense in the context of the blog because I came back to a bunch of those. Nigerian spammers are into spell casting now. Here is a sampling, minus links because you don't want any of that.
"my husband left me 4 months ago and move to another state leaving me
2000 miles apart from him . I have tried everything possible i am very
sad and hurt suddenly he started to hated me it seems one sec he love me
the next he hate me when ever we connect he gets really angry for no
reason and in a big rush and can't breath around me and as soon as were
apart he is fine he says i am very hot and it makes him uncomfortable to
hold me all i know is i sleep sleep sleep when were together cant seem
to wake up when he is away i am awake something is wrong.But just some
few weeks ago, someone introduce me to this spell caster on [somescammer]@gmail.com and the spell caster did a reunify spell for
me, just as i am writing now, if my husband dont see me in a second he
would rather do everything to meet me. I really want to thank the spell
caster for his great works spell. i owe him.you can met with him on [somescammer]@gmail.com."
Can you understant that. I really can't. Not only is it BS, it is unreadable and from what I can tell turns into a story of a human rights violation in the next post.
"My Name is Alex..I never believed in Love Spells or Magics until I met
this special spell caster once when i went to Africa to Execute some
business..He is really powerful.The woman i wanted to marry left me 2
weeks to our weeding ceremony and my life was upside down.she was with
me for 3 years and i really love her so much..she left me for another
man with no reason..when i called her she never picked up my calls and
she don’t want to see me around her…so,when i told the man what
happened.he helped me to do some readings,and after the readings he made
me to realize that the other man has done some spells over my wife and
that is the reason why she left me..he told me he will help me to cast a
spell that bring her back.At first i was skeptical but i just gave it a
try…In 5 days,she called me herself and came to me apologizing..I cant
believe she can ever come back to me again but now i am happy she’s back
and we are married now with lovely kid and we live as a happy family."
If I believed this I would be terrified. This is worse than the Mormons babtising the dead. Creepy. I will make you love me with magic because how could you not love me? I mean that must be some crazy lesbian black magic and shit, cause I am so awesome.
From the US, you say? Skeptigirl is so very skeptical.
"My name is Diana Rossay i am from United States, I was in a relationship
with Ben and we loved and cherished ourselves for 3 good years and
every thing was going on smoothly but February 14, 2012 a day i can call
a lovers day we both had misunderstanding because i answered a call
from a guy that is asking me out for a date but i refused,and he told me
that the relationship is over and that he is fed up with me and i
begged him because i love him so much but he refused me i was so down
cast and i felt the world has come to an end for me but my friend told
me about a spell caster that helped her sister out in getting her
relationship back,a good job and favor in any of her endeavor but at
first i was scared but i have to give this man a trial because i love
Ben very much and i am not willing to loose him to any woman,so i
ordered returning my love spell from this great spell caster that made
me a happy woman again to say it all my ex came back to me with much
love and a caring heart."
Well, go read something good now to cleanse your palate. I recommend snopes.com, it is a classic and http://www.sciencebasedmedicine.org/ is on point and giving useful information.
I try to stay out of most current issues on this blog because they incite feelings that are not in proper perspective yet. I have been hearing about this Chick-fil-A thing over facebook posted by my American friends. I am really shocked by how incapable of empathy the Christians involved are. I do not believe they are doing this out of hate but ignorance for the most part. I would like to help my fellow Christians understand what they are in fact doing by asking them to imagine. I would like to point out I may not know all the details because I am not actively following it, too lazy to research. Also I have a massive headache today and my focus is a little divided but I really wanted to write this.
Let us change the name of the franchise really obviously, Pork-fil-A, the other white meat. They are proudly Atheist owned they have been promoting values of personal freedom for years and as a result discriminating against Christians because they believe in authoritarian values that go against their deeply held company philosophy. A prominent kid’s show partners with them by providing toys for their kid’s meals, both profit. The prominent kids show pulls said toys at a moment’s notice saying it is because of Pork-fil-A’s discriminatory practices against Christians. The owners of the kids show are pro-religious freedom and cannot abide with partnering with a company that discriminates against people due to their religious affiliation. Pork-fil-A openly claims it was not due to the values issue but because kids were getting hurt by the toys, people argue about it.
Two camps are formed: One Atheist saying those toys were dangerous and Pork-fil-A has a right to not encourage those hateful, crusading, personal freedom denying Christians. Religion is a choice, they choose to believe in bigotry and hatred and endangering the values of personal freedom this country was built on. The other camp is those Christians so much persecuted since the Roman days feeling pushed down again feeling like the kids show had stood up for them and their rights to believe what they want and live how they want. After all religion is not a choice, really, when God speaks you listen and follow. How could you deny God? It is their identity after seeing the living God they can’t help it. They realized Jesus was the way and against oppression and unbelievable prejudice and possibility of persecution they came out of the religious closet and declared they would not live a lie anymore and be honest about who they were. Then the Atheist activist camp decides to support this brave company and all go there and buy sand witches en masse. I mean they are good and support the cause of personal freedom they believe in so much and they need to be supported. Meanwhile the Christians feel persecuted because the company that is anti-God, anti-Christian is being so publicly supported for their discrimination of who they are. They see it as an act of hate against them. They live in a society that says: Be quiet about who you are and what you believe in because if you are honest you will not be given the rights to be who you are, but Crist told them not to hold their light under a bushel and they want to let that light shine and not to live a lie. These people are rallying at Pork-fil-A to say: Lie, don’t be who you are and suffer the depression and anxiety that comes with being a closet believer.
Well, maybe that helps. God gave us the ability to see the other side to walk in the shoes of others. Jesus went and ate and talked with sinners and Samaritans and got to know them and to understand them as people and why they were the way they were. Why shouldn’t we? If we are unable to see why homosexual people are feeling discriminated against by the dollar vote we are not looking at the issue as Jesus would have. We are ignorant and doing hateful things out of love, twisted isn’t it.
As I have
mentioned I am in the middle of a project to live in faith. It was going really
well, I was feeling happy and balanced and I felt like I was making some real
progress in my efforts to be more forgiving and getting rid of all that anger I
have stored up inside of me from all the times I have been hurt by other
Christians. Then I stopped praying every day and I started getting angry again
and stopped being productive. During the time I was praying every day I was
able to keep my house clean for the first time in my life. I read a ton and not
just the Bible either. I started writing a novel and got to 30,000 words.
Then I
stopped and my house went to hell in a hand basket, and I have harder and
harder time working on my novel. So here I am feeling like my experiment was successful
and I want to go back to it. The worse side is now I really cannot stand my church.
I had been avoiding going so I won’t get
triggered but today I had to go to the service and the guy preaching was the
dude who keeps contradicting himself and I really have no idea if I disagree
with him or not. It is infuriating. One moment he says all the rules of the Old
Testament are still one hundred percent valid and should be followed and we
cannot pick and choose, like the liberal Christians. Then the says we need discernment
in knowing which rules to follow and goes on to explain how the rules are still
valid. Is it just me or is there something missing? The worst part is this is
exactly what he preaches every time he gets in the pulpit. He also says some of
the most insulting things. He implies Muslims are evil, instead of just
misinformed. There is a huge difference there, one is okay to say in a church
and can be said with love, the other is not okay and has no love in it. Also
when the tsunami happened in Japan he said it took place because there was so
much idol worship there.
He is not
the only one who says these things in service. Last week I did not go but a guy
preached on how HIV was a punishment from God for immorality. I cannot bear
this. I just cannot seem to gain anything of spiritual value from majority of
the sermons at my church. There are a few people who preach and they are good
but when there are just as many a**holes up there it just does not seem worth
it. I have very few other churches available to me and the morning service in
Finnish is just as bad. The last sermon that was delivered by the regular
pastor was on the homosexual agenda.
Then I saw
this posted on my church’s facebook group (presented in its original form all
spelling and grammar original):
Dear friends
and prayer partners in Christ vineyard,
This is very sad news, but I have to tell you about it. On August 2nd
homosexualists want to organise the gay parade in Jerusalem. When I got this
info my heart was so sad! How can it be in Jerusalem – the holy city of King of
Kings?! Our role is to be high priest and to prepare the way for returning of
the King of Glory!
If you are jealous for Jerusalem and the atmosphere in the Holy city please
join us in the prayer for Jerusalem! We are going to meet on July 23 in the
evening at 19.00 in the center of Jerusalem. I have some info about where the
gay parade was pland to be (in which streets). We can walk the same streets and
pray and proclaim the word of God and to devote these streets to God that unclean
spirit can not touch this land and holy city! We are called to stay in the gap
for Jerusalem not only in the physical world, but also in the spiritual world.
It doesn’t matter which language you speak, but if you live in Jerusalem or
other cities of Israel you are welcome to come and join us!
Our role as the high priest is to pray also for forgiveness of these people,
who are homosexualists, and to confess their sins before God, because our war
is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers,
against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of
wickedness in the heavenly places. (Eph.6:12) And more that this, we have
special authority from God to do it! "Behold, I have given you authority
to tread on serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy, and
nothing will injure you (Lk.10:19).
You can invite your friends to pray with us in the streets of Jerusalem. If you
do not live in Israel or if you can not come to Jerusalem, we want to encourage
you to pray alone or to organise a special prayer meeting with people from your
church in this day.
“If I forget you, O Jerusalem, may my right hand forget her skill. May my
tongue cling to the roof of my mouth, If I do not remember you, If I do not
exalt Jerusalem Above my chief joy.” (Ps.137:5-6)...PLS INCLUDE THIS IN YOUR
PRAYER CLOSET ...Thanks
I am just
absolutely overwhelmed by the ignorance and intolerance. This parade is
actually an annual event that has been going on for over 13 years and has seen
its share of violence with participants having been stabbed and otherwise
attacked. I will be praying for the safety of the participants.
I feel
really stuck. I wish to belong to a church but living in Finland I do not have
a whole lot of choice. I have not joined this church for the reasons complained
about above. The community is wonderful, I love the people. The woman who posted this is a wonderfully
sweet woman but so willfully ignorant I might die from contemplating it. So is
everyone. I like the sense of belonging to a community of immigrants that is so
close knit but I cannot be truly honest with them.
What are
the alternatives? Home churching? Well, home churching is done by creepy
fundies. Also the Bible says we need to
be a part of a faith community. Here are my other options: Baptists, Methodists,
Freechurchers (The Evangelical Free Church of Finland), the Quakers that meet
only once a month and not in the summer, Lutherans and the traditional
Pentecostals. From what I have heard, one the Baptists churches is even worse
around here, also we checked out their website and there were a ton of red
flags. I suppose we could give the other church a try. I could try the
Methodists, I know the pastor. I have translated some teaching materials for
them. Also I could try the Freechurch. The Quakers are a little different brand
of Quakerism and I really fear we would not fit in there spiritually like we
did in our old church that we still belong to, but we could still try. The
Lutherans are fine, I suppose, but they have a tendency to be a little
spiritually dry and not committed, let’s just say they are a really respectable
institution. They are exactly what you would expect out of a state church of a
free and democratic nation. The Traditional Pentecostal church, we they are
traditional, like they don’t let women preach, at all.
My
immediate plans are to get back to daily prayer and reading the Bible. Then I
will attempt to go church shopping to the Methodists and the Freechurch and see
if there are other alternatives.
Is a tittle
of a book but it is also a world view some people have that I don’t. Some
people see the world, literally, as a battle ground between the forces of good
and evil, angels and demons. People like this hear demonic voices whispering to
them. Everything wrong with everyone is cause by demons. Think Screwtape
Letters by C.S. Lewis.
I have a
friend who sees the world exactly like that. She sees herself as exceptionally
sensitive to the spirit world, maybe she is. I cannot feel what she feels or
live in her head. I kind of find this infuriating because this gives power to
all the self-deluding charlatans claiming spiritual powers and it is the
antithesis of how I live my life.
To me the
existence of demons and angels and of this battle is irrelevant. I read a short
story once. I cannot remember where or what it was called but it was about a
boy who lived in a medieval world and in that world everyone else saw angels
singing hallelujah to the Lord as the sun rose and people were healed, curse,
helped, by magic spells. This was a disability that set him apart of the rest
of the world and was seen as defective. He wondered things like: What makes the
sun burn? What is the source of its fuel? The moon and the sun must have
different fuel because they have different light? What is the moons fuel? It
also turned out he had an advantage over all the others. Sure, he could not see
the wonder they saw, he could not be blessed or healed by supernatural means
but he was also immune to all spells, curses and supernatural devices.
I feel like
him. I don’t see these demonic powers neither can they hurt me. I don’t feel
demonic voices in my head. Not that I don’t want to live in this fantastical world full of wonder, I just don’t. I think I
know why my friend believes so readily in these powers. She used to be consumed
by guilt because thoughts popped in her head that did not go along with the
beatitudes. She looked for answers and thought it was just her, defective her,
and she was consumed by guilt. Then she realized it was demons and she was
absolved of guilt and self-loathing and now she just tells them to be quiet and
it works.
I was just
the same, thoughts that I did not want crowded my head, I was besieged by
desires and I could not stop them and I was consumed by guilt. Then I realized
that Jesus had not been only crucified for my past sins but my current sins and
all my future sins. He forgave me so I forgave myself and realized that quilt
was not necessary. Repentance did not have to follow intense guilt because
forgiveness had already taken place. Acknowledgement and conviction was all
that was necessary. My guilt left and so did all those desires and thoughts. My
guilt made me obsess and now that was gone and so were uncontrolled thoughts. I
was free and so was my mind. She accepted that demons were whispering to her
and I accepted that I was forgiven. Both resulted in a feeling of freedom and
control. We indeed are very different.
