Monday, December 28, 2009

In Which I Talk About My Religious Beliefs

So, today during open worship I was pondering the same thing as I usually do during open worship, my lack of faithfulness. By this I do not mean a lack of faith, just of faithfulness. You see, I do not believe I can help believing in God and Jesus and the whole shebang (shibang, shuebang I have never written that word before and have no idea how to spell it). I believe in God just as much as I always have. I am just lazy and never really practice my faith. This is very strange because it still colours everything I do. I still consider it one of the most important things about me but I never do the common practices of faith. I never really read the Bible, I pray maybe once a week outside of church. I have struggled with this issue my entire life. I just attribute it to sloth and hedonism, watching TV is just more immediate fun, as is writing a blog.

I guess some people might think I am about to say something like I am fine with this, I won't. I am not fine with this, I never have been. I am used to this. I believe because I cannot unbelieve but I gain none of the real benefits of faith. Sure I enjoy my assurance at an eventual afterlife in paradise but I am a melancholy person and I usually benefit greatly from sustaining a relationship with God. It makes me feel more upbeat, hopeful, purposeful and productive. I don't go to bed at night feeling an emptiness in my day like something is missing and my day is not complete. I feel empty because of this and suffer from insomnia because I would rather not lay my head on the pillow in the dark and feel like it seeps in my heart and makes me feel so dark because there is nothing to do but think.

Why don't I just chat with God or, if you don't believe in Him, talk to myself if it makes me feel so much better? I am not sure. I have been wondering about this for a long time and cannot find a real answer. I think it has to do with the laziness and the procrastination and all that but that really explains nothing because I am able to maintain a fairly regular schedule of exercise and I am capable of brushing and flossing my teeth every night without fail. This whole thing is fairly disheartening and used to make me downright depressed when I was younger. Then I grew up and realized that it is not the end of the world if I fail at it today, or if I failed at it for the past six days and even then just told God how sorry I was about the silence between us. There is always tomorrow, and better yet, there is still today and I can try today and still get a better night sleep even if I can't sustain the habit. Just relax, my God forgives me, maybe I should forgive myself too. God would not want me to beat myself up about it.

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