The Guilt of a Super Massive Coward

I did not want to say anything ever about Mark Driscoll on this blog. The man deserves no attention from anyone but sometimes I have flashes of feelings that say “In a world with a Mark Driscoll, how can there be a loving God?” I can explain suffering but this jackass is beyond me. I know I am not a real woman and regardless of this ministry pissing me off I did not care, until it got personal.

Mars Hill has potential to become a cult: Absolute authority vested in one man, punishment to those who stray, minute control over the lives of those in it. I mean, I could see them buying some land somewhere and drinking some cool-aid. I will let you in on a secret. I am terrified of cults. The truth is anyone not aware and thinking could end up in one.

I have an old friend from college. She is such a nice sweet humble woman. She seeks after God’s will and never judged me, as far as I knew, I mean I experienced some hefty judgment in college by other Christians in college. Then I found out she goes to Mars Hill, well not Mars Hill but one of the satellite churches. What did I do? I got mad at her, well actually when I first found out about a month prior to getting angry I could not believe it and ignored it. I mean this girl was my friend, she knows how my husband and I choose to live. Not that it is really out of the norm but absolutely wrong when compared to the Mark Driscoll definition of a real marriage.

So I got angry. I figured, if I found out someone was a member of the Nazi party would I not unfriend them in disgust, even if they were my good friend? Yes, I would. Sure Mars Hill is not the Nazi party and Mark Driscoll is not Adolf Hitler, it is somehow worse because it claims to be Christian. I thought weather I should say something to her before cutting ties to her, I mean, it is not like we are BFFs or anything but whenever she has the opportunity to visit she does. She has rerouted flights to get to see me and driven through my town on cross country trips and spent the night. No one else has done these things. No one else has actually put forth that much effort to see me. Still there can be up to a year between us having contact and catching up, so not like she would notice anytime soon. I have cut off one other friend before, for different reasons without telling her, and it took her over five years to notice and it was only when I accidentally e-mailed her. I decided that since it is not like anything I had to say would do any good I just cut off ties, no word. One reason that I did this was because I am a coward, a big, huge, super massive coward. I am scared of cults. What if I said something and she told her cell and then they like started sending me hate mail. I mean, not that I matter so much, they probably would not but I have seen what the Driscollites have done to people criticizing them. They are not nice folk. Add to that, I am like the opposite of what they define as a woman.

Then I felt sad, really sad and guilty. I cried and prayed for my friend and asked God for forgiveness and guidance. Now after a week or two, I still have no answers and tear up whenever I think about her. I mean what if they do drink the cool-aid and I did nothing? What if she wants to leave and I am not there for her? What if? This is neither the first nor the last time I have felt upset due to cowardice. The only times I experience guilt and regret is when I act out of cowardice.

Have you ever been a coward? How did you feel? Do you think I should go back on my decision?