Becoming Paula

Lately I have come to accept that I am not intended for marriage. This is not a sad reality. I think that marriage is sometimes over glorified. Marriage has benefits,yes, all sorts, physical, spiritual and emotional. As the Bible says something about a stone sharpening a stone so we can grow putting up with the annoyances of another person. When we look at this we seem to forget Paul recommending not marrying. He did great things for God. With no wife.

Why am I talking about this? Was I not exceedingly happy while I was marrieds? Yes, and no. It was the best I had ever known. The reality is that I have always felt that marriage was not for me. As a child I really wanted to be an old maid. Even as a a teen I did not think I would marry. This was in big contrast to the fact that I had a really strong sex drive. My sex drive was not the kind that was okay with just sleeping around. All my fantasies, then and now include committed loving relationships with love. My body and spirit had contrasting desires.

Did I marry my ex-husband for sex? Yes and no. I also married him because I loved him and had intensely committed to him and up on marriage I was willing and able to love him until one of us died and that was the case until the divorce.

There is another reason I married. I was profoundly mentally ill. What I needed was therapy and medication and a reliance up on God, not marriage, or relationship of any kind. When I am in a relationship my spiritual growth becomes profoundly retarded. I give too much of what is God's to my partner. I love intensely all consumingly and committedly. My love is the stuff of romances. It is also suffocating and unhealthy.

Sometimes what we most want is the least good for us. I never grew up nor figured what I wanted because I was so intensely committed to my husband. Now I am thriving and scared that I will jeopardize all the wonderful things I have accomplished by falling into another relationship. Also it is quite clear that I have terrible taste in men. My standards are fall too low. Clearly the common factor in my dismal romantic history is me and I have to accept the blame and that God's blessing has not been up on any of it.

In contrast I am blessed and productive and growing and happy with myself alone. Unless God finds me the perfect man, I am not interested and perfection does not appear in reality, so I think I am safe. Just call me Paula, the female apostle preaching the gospel of Jesus and remaining unmarried. : P

A book that is making me angry

I have been reading a book. The title translates to “There is no man or woman” it is written by Thoralf Gilbrant. When my father bought it for me I thought it was going to be different than it was. I thought it was going to be a book that did not do me violence, but it does. Practically every page I read batters me, disappoints me and makes me profoundly sad and less than. If you can’t guess it is about the sex roles in the church and to me that is not a make or break issue but as you well know I am of the opinion that Jesus meant complete equality in church that people should be given tasks based on their calling and ability. This writer, however, believes it is extremely important. He quotes a Bo Giertz who believes it to be “a litmus test of Biblical faith” (the book is in Finnish and the translation may not be the best but it is as I understand it).

This book seems to draw a strange line in the sand when it comes it the power women can wield in the church. It does not say women are not allowed to have no power, they are but he mines the post Christ texts of the New Testament to the point of absurdity. Women are allowed to be deacons, but not elders and definitely not pastors. He really feels a call to put women back in their rightful places in the Church while beating them down. It is a ridiculously hair splitting experience. I have read only a few chapters but am very confused. Let me present my main questions I have and would hope he would address later in the book as I read further:

What about women who feel the call to be the leaders of churches and to teach both men and women and have the talents and abilities for it?

Why can a prophetess, like Deborah, be a prophet/leader and be okay in Gilbrant’s estimation but a woman who is not a prophet cannot be a leader? This seems to me to be a distinction without a difference.

If all women have a natural tendency to submit and nurture how come I don’t?

If all men have a natural tendency to protect and lead does that make me a man regardless of my anatomical femininity?

If servanthood is a special honor accorded for women how come Jesus washed the feet of his disciples and in this way brought out a style of servant leadership?

Why would I want to serve a God as unjust as the one Gilbrant is espousing?

There are more questions but they are wrapped up in many questions and would need for you to read the passage in the book. Maybe I will share my confusion regarding some of these more complicated bits in another post.

My biggest confusion is when my father asks me how I liked the book what will I say? The truth is that so far what I have read seems like a steaming pile of poop. I can’t tell him that. My father needs to be treated gently on issues like this or he gets authoritarian and I am too old to put up with that.

Mark Driscoll, the Douchelord (I am a wee bit angry in this one)

My problem is that I get angry and upset really easily at phenomena. Children starving in Africa: I want to punch someone. Old Chinese men made to live in shipping crates in Helsinki construction sites with no running water and improper heating because greedy men trafficked them here: I would toss my chair out of the window if it would not make a mess and get us in trouble with the land lady. I have this seething, calculating stress enducing, enduring bad temper. This is why I avoid the news. Why would I want to read about human rights violations and injustices when I can’t do anything to fix them especially when I feel like having a heart attack for hours after? Yes, I have a problem. Writing about it and posting it anonymously on the internet really helps.

I did not want to know anything about Mars Hill or Mark Driscoll especially since I was fairly sure I did not count in his view of the world because I am not a “real” woman, my husband is not a “real” man, ours is not a “real” marriage and I am pretty sure I am not among his elect. Also if my husband was to all of a sudden to turn into Mr. Driscoll’s definition of a “real” man I am not sure what I would do with him or what use he would be to me. On that note why would I want to give my reverence to a God so petty, small and legalistic? I was not created good enough or with the self-discipline to be good enough and there is really no true grace in the Calvinist world view (in my opinion, let me remind the reader that all opinion on this blog, unless stated otherwise is mine).

Now, since I cut off ties with my Mars Hill congregant friend I have been obsessed about reading about the phenomena. I do not so much have a problem with the fact that I theologically disagree with the man and he reads the Bible like the Devil, which is fine, because I believe in religious freedom. People are free to choose this lifestyle if they want but the problem is the disallowing of criticism and cult like control that is exerted over membership’s lives. At Mars Hill when a person questions, they are not given proper freedom to question and are hushed up for fear that the decent spreads. I mean, everyone knows I am all about questioning; it is the basis with my relationship with my Father in Heaven. I am that child who constantly asks her parent why and the God I believe in patiently allows me to question. Sometimes he answers, sometimes he says that I am not mature enough to know yet and I must wait. I accept that, sometimes I grumble that it is unfair and stomp to my room but that is alright, He understands, it is just who I am. He created me like this and loved me enough as I am to die for me.

Here are some stories by people who know more about Mars Hill than me because I have never been to that church.

http://marshillrefuge.blogspot.com/p/our-story.html

Here is the same story as above but from the husband’s perspective which actually adds a lot of dimension to the first one, if it did not I would not be posting both: http://twocleareyes.blogspot.com/2012/01/mars-hill-altar-of-doctrine-and-occult.html

Here is an interesting take on masculine religion which I enjoyed: http://bramboniusinenglish.wordpress.com/2012/02/03/masculine-christianity-is-a-privilege-of-the-english-speaking/

Now I will go and try to calm down I will try not to imagine kicking Mark Driscoll’s ass.

The Name of God more JW

I have still been in contact with the Jehovah’s witnesses and we are spinning around in circles. It is actually extremely interesting for me. The poor lady had a stroke but is recovering really well but now comes by with her husband. I really enjoy my chats with them, great people. It will be sad when they realize they are getting nowhere in converting me and stop coming by.

The subject we are still discussing is the importance of the name of God. This is not the most important topic to me, as I have steted before, but it is to them so I have an advantage but for what purpose? We are not in the midst of battle. A lot of Christians would think it a battle for souls but I do not see it that way. I hope they move onto something else because the conversation is getting stale. We are saying the same thing in different ways over and over again.

They bring up Bible verses and how we are constantly told to honor Gods name, to which I say: These passages cannot literally mean the name of God, if this was the case we would walk around saying “Oh God I honor and worship your name, oh Lord.” We are not called to honor and worship the name of God but God himself what we are dealing with here, in my opinion (obviously in my opinion, it is to be assumed, since this is my blog and others do not share the interpretation) is an expression. When it talks about how the people of God are sullying the name of Jehovah among the other nations it talks about the reputation of God.

I do not disagree that Jehovah is the name of God. I merely doubt its importance and relevance to me as his child. Calling him by a proper name makes him one among many. I do not see why I need to differentiate him from other gods when I believe there are none but him, hence the capital G. I call my parents äiti and isä (mom and dad), not Tuula and Reijo, because they are the only parents I have, I do not need to differentiate them. If I did I would feel distant from them.

“Well, Skeptigirl”, you may ask “why does the Bible mention Jahveh so many times in many versions and according to the JW in the original Hebrew?” That is an excellent question generic reader. YHWH appears in the Hebrew of the Old Testament, well a bunch of times I think. I am no Hebrew Bible scholar so let’s smoothly segway out of this, pay no attention to my waving hands and ridiculous dance routine, to English Bible translations. Four times in the KJV . Other Bible translations I cannot easily enough find the data on but in truth it is not mentioned once in the New Testament. That should give us pause. You mean, this is so important but Jesus did not mention it once? Really? That is right. I know it was written in Greek but if it was so important would the writers not have put it there.

Now I feel skeptical. Want to know what I think? Sure you do. The world view of the Old Testament was completely different from us. We must view it through those lenses. In the Old Testament there were many gods. Not really but in the world view of the people. They lived in a world populated by many local and global deities. When God introduced himself to Abraham (not as YHWH) other gods were present and worshipped in the household that God needed to be differentiated from. To Moses he said he was I Am but there is differing opinions on this point.

The point I am trying to make is that I am willing to admit the name of God is YHWH but I don’t think he meant me to call him by that name; maybe I will share with you later a story of how God taught me to refer to him. It would be useless to call him that because it creates a distance between us and assumes he may not be the only God. I believe he is and speaking to him in a way that assumes, or even hints that he is not, is irreverent. Sure, you or I can question this because irreverence is only possible if one believes in something whole heartedly. Irreverence is not possible by those who do not believe. For example, it is impossible for an atheist to be irreverent.

So that is where I am in the talk with the JW. What is going on with you?

Heaven and Hell

I was just thinking about the concepts of Heaven and Hell and life after death. It is remarkable how differently people see it. I personally know people who believe in reincarnation, ghosts, Heaven, but not Hell. I also know Atheists that believe in no after life at all except in the one in the memories of our loved ones or in progeny. I also have a pagan friend who believes that if he lives a good and honorable life, he will go to Valhalla. I respect all their beliefs and believe they feel the same way about them as do I. I laugh at none of the concepts, except the ghost one, but I am working on that. As I have said before, you can not believe just because you want to just like you cannot stop believing just because you want to.

What do I believe? Well, I like to use the Bible as a general guide for all my beliefs, that and my own conscience. I believe in Heaven and Hell, but not exactly as western cultural tradition portrays them. The Bible describes Hell as a separation from God and Heaven as a connection with him and other believers that have passed on. The Bible also describes them as realms beyond out imagining, where our existence is nothing like Earth. It does say that Hell is a place of fire and brimstone but if it is a non-physical realm that means very little and must be a metaphor. It also says that we have spiritual bodies in Heaven, but what are spiritual bodies? I have no idea, I am sure they would be something nice. I also believe that up on entering Heaven we will know what God knows. You know,answer to life, the universe and everything, and I bet it will not be 42.

Some people do not believe in Hell on the philosophical principle that it is unfair and that a loving God would never punish anyone. Well, I think the opposite, it would be unfair for God to force someone who wanted nothing to do with Him in life be be with constant communion in the here after. I think this would be a good time to answer the question of: Do I think Hell is a place of suffering? Yes, I don't know, maybe. Is the short answer. The long answer would be: Yes, it would be suffering for me to be separated from the presence of God forever. I don't know if it would be suffering for those who never knew him and since I do not know the extend which you can have contact with others sent to Hell, I guess it could be suffering for others too.

Now lets talk about the elephant on the page, well Elephant if you are an Evangelical Christian or someone who reads the Bible. Revelations. I believe that it has a really detailed account of how heaven looks with gold and gems and God being the source of light or something. I have read Revelations, it makes no sense to me and Bible scholars debated strongly weather it should be included in the Bible. Is it legitimately inspired by God or just the hallucinations of a man? I do not know, not until I go to Heaven and get all the answers. I have had no special revelation on Revelations from God. It just does not fit in with the rest of new testament and makes precious little sense to me. I honestly do not care what overly elaborate metaphorical, ope to interpretation way the world as we know it will come to an end. Even if it is legitimate it does next to no good in the way I live my life. It is a fear mongering book the skews the way people live their life. It (or rather its popular interpretation) makes people think they will be raptured any moment or it males them waste time looking for the signs of the end times which have been here since the resurrection because we have been living in the "end times" since then. Well, my views on Revelations would best be explored in another post.

I think there is a Heaven and a Hell. I also think that the boundaries between Heaven and Hell and the world of living are immutable so, sorry, I do not believe in ghosts. Neither do I believe that we linger in the world of the living after death. As soon as the brain dies, we are off to Heaven, or Hell and no turning back. That is what I believe about this. You are welcome to share what you think.